Stellie Pearl's Thoughts......

I Keep Hoping That My Tomorrows Will Catch Up With Yesterday

Saturday, October 31, 2009

"I Want My Mommy"

Sometimes I forget how close my mom and I really were. When I got into my late teens we argued more, but, she was and always has been my rock, my shoulder to lean on. When I left for college, the first semester I was so homesick, I kept getting sick; ear infections, sore throat. I had PE class at 8:00am, and about 7:15am, the pay phone out in the hallway in my dorm would start ringing. It would be mom, saying "Get your ass up and get to gym!" I found some old letters that I had written to her that semester, pleading with her....please....get me out of here. I tried everything....I told her I was starving. I told her that the school was making me physically sick. I told her that there were lesbians in my dorm, and they were after me (that was stretching it a bit...there WERE lesbians in my dorm, but they were all very nice). Mom never rescued me.

My parents marriage broke up in 1983. I missed my high school graduation because my granny died in 1983. I left for college in 1983, my parents put the house up for sale. Then in January 1984, my mom moved back to WV (where I was, in college). We had all been through a big upheaval. My mother and I seemed to argue more then. I moved back in with her, and stayed until 1989. When I moved out, and then moved to Florida, we got close again. I
guess that is what they mean by "Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

The years play back in my mind like a mom and I shopping on Saturdays, renting movies on Saturday nights, us going to a Christmas Tree Farm to cut our own tree, then trying to string cranberries while listening to Christmas music, cussing up a storm when the cranberries would fall apart (my mom has always been a big cusser). She and I would get tickled at something, and laugh until we would cry.

Now, my mom looks at me with absolutely no expression on her face. She doesn't respond to any of my questions, and will sometimes face the wall when I am trying to talk to her. I am so thankful that she and I were close while I was growing up, and really needed her, but I need her now, too. But she isn't here anymore. She knows who I am, but she is too angry to speak to me. She is blaming me for her being sick and in a nursing home. We used to talk so much ~ I told her everything. Now I can't tell her anything. I can't talk to her. And worst of all, I don't want to see her. I feel sadness and great amounts of guilt when I visit her. One day last week, I had such a bad day at work. Used to be, I would get home and pick up the phone to call her. I almost did that....then I remembered. I told this to my dad in a tearful conversation that I had with him later that evening. He said "You can always call me....." that made me cry even harder.

The holidays loom ahead. Thanksgiving was always spent with my mom. I don't want the holidays to come this year. I might be able to sleep through them. If I can just shut myself out, nothing can hurt me.

I watch the movies in my head, and cry. I look at pictures, listen to music, and grieve for my mom. She is still here. But yet, she is gone.
I miss you, mom.


  1. What a poignant story! My mom died last year, but for the four or five years before she died, she couldn't hear and wouldn't wear her hearing aids. We used to talk on the phone and have wonderful chats...but that ended with her hearing.

    When she refused to put the hearing aids in, it felt like an abandonment.

    It is sad to acknowledge that someone is gone before they're actually gone, but it happens.

  2. I envy you your memories of your youth and of your mother. And somewhere deep inside, your mother has the memories, too - she just can't access them. I can see why the holidays are difficult for you, especially November with the two birthdays and the season of family and togetherness. Sorry!