I went to visit my mom yesterday. She was sitting in her wheelchair, out in the hallway when I arrived. Luckily, Sandra (my favorite nurse) was working . She knows that mom won't talk to me. Mom, however, has been talking to Sandra.
Sandra came over, and took my mom's hand and said "Katie! Look who's here!" My mom looked up at me and had the angriest look on her face. Sandra kept saying "Look...your beautiful daughter is here to visit you!" No response.
She wheeled mom into her room, and we sat down to talk. "Talk to her," she told me. "She can hear you, even if she isn't answering you".
I started talking....it felt strange, because I haven't really talked to mom in a long while. I just kind of gave up because she never would answer me. It was like the flood gates opened....and I talked to her for a half hour.
"Remember all the fun we used to have?" I asked her. "Remember how we tried to string popcorn and cranberries to put on the Christmas tree that one year, and how aggravated we got...how we laughed?"
The more that spilled out of me, the more constricted my throat got. I began to cry.
"Remember all those cross stitch kits we bought and then never used? What about laughing at Dad, always wanting us to use Free Coupons?"
The tears flowed freely down my face. She would make eye contact with me, and then look away. Finally, she turned to look at me, licked her lips, and said in a scratchy voice "Are...you...crying?"
"Yes!" I cried....."Yes, I'm crying!"
She asked me in the same scratchy voice "Why?"
"Because I miss you, mom. I miss talking to you. I miss all of the things that we used to do, and laugh about. I miss being able to call you after having a bad day at work....you always made me feel better. I miss calling you, telling you about a new recipe that I have tried, or a really good book that I have just read. I miss having you in my life...."
She never answered me. She would look at me, then turn away. After all of that crying, I was spent. It had given me a headache....I was exhausted.
I wheeled her back out into the hall, and told Sandra that I was getting ready to leave. A snowstorm was on its way in, and I wanted to get home before it started. A bad stomach virus is going around the nursing home right now. My mother's roommate is hospitalized because of it. I took some hand sanitizer out of my purse, and took my mother's hands. I cleaned her hands with it, all the while telling her "Mom...there's a bad virus going around. Remember how you and I hate to throw up? Please try to keep your hands clean.....I don't want you to get sick...." Then, I hugged her, and kissed her, and told her that I love her very very much, and that I will see her soon.
That is the most I have spoken to my mom in MONTHS. I have been so hurt, and angry with her. It is like it is all melting away now. I can't go on like this...not going to visit her because she won't talk to me. I will go visit her, and talk to her....she can still hear me....even if she chooses not to answer.
